Wednesday, May 22, 2013

I'm a Walking Cemetery. A Living Morgue.

God please that I may have hit rock bottom.
Please that this endless falling black pit has hit the bottom.

I reached out my hands and could grab nothing but soft earth, slipping beneath my finger tips. Filling under my fingernails as I scream(ed) during the decent. Scrapes and canyons of futile resistance line the walls of this black cavern... never ending it seems(ed).  Drug down by my own gravity into a never ending perpetual rabbit hole. Torture.

Father, I awake today, praying that I've hit the bottom.  Cautious, my legs seem to plant on shaky brittle ground.  I pray this is the base upon which you can build myself anew.  Through you I will rise Father God, I pray and believe this to be the truth.

For weeks I've slid and fallen and internally screamed and cried.  For weeks I've starred blankly through walls.  Numb. Numb. Numb.  A walking cemetery, a living morgue.

I wrote this a few days ago, in the blackest moments of years gone by:
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My brain is boiled.
I'm over thinking.  I'm paralyzed.
Disappointment.  Fret.  Disappointment.  Sorrow.  Hopeless.  Paralyzed.  Confused.  Undecided.  Staring at mountains of work and opportunity but cowarding in despair.  No belief in myself.  Bloated.  Tired.  Inspired but no passion.  No drive.  Running from instead of welcoming the challenges... on edge.  Hate, anger, falling, existing, awaiting the end.

I recognize this is sick.  But I am unable or unwilling to change and head toward peace and balanced mental health.  I'm seeking help.  Oh Great Father my being cries out to you and I beg you for help and mercy upon my dying soul.  Father God only you can revive this cemetery and bring me back to life.

I'm paralyzed.  Mentally retarded.  Overweight.  Unhealthy.  Family falling apart.  Life falling apart.  Numb.  Numb.  Numb.  Blind.  Existing.  Afraid, terrified, filled with doubt and death.  I'm seeking help.

Mountains and rivers full of opportunity are coming to fruition and available to me.  But why Father Lord God am I running and living in fear, anxiety, dread, unhappiness, death?  I'm a living morgue.  I'm a walking cemetery.  I'm a living morgue.  Father God what's wrong with me.
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So yes, today I pray I've hit rock bottom.  Father rebuild me in your own image Lord.  Pick up these dead broken bones and breath life through them.  In your heavenly powerful capable name... Thank you Father God.  Amen.

2 comments:

  1. each of lifes lessons, must be learned before the next lesson begins... what is to be learned? what can i change, what will i let go. You have not come this far, the Father will not let you go, he has you in his hands. Put your faith in the eternal, the temporal will always let you down. Godspeed

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    Replies
    1. Amen. Thank you for reading and letting me share. Yes, today is a new day and the light shines on my face. Amen. Thanks Dad.

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